Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Things I'm Afraid to Tell You


I'm posting this as part of a movement to present some reality, honesty and authenticity from the blogging world. There are many preconceived notions about what a person's reality is versus their online profile. These posts are an effort to align these two images.

There has already been two waves of posts, which you can find at Creature Comforts and Meg + Mimi and the very first post from Jess Constable that inspired the movement. Having read many of these posts, it really is refreshing and puts me at ease with what I've written and also about some of my personal misdirections.

My friend Leslie invited me to participate in round three and I'm not sure why I was so quick to say yes. Maybe because I had already just posted a slightly exposing article on my lack of friends which isn't an easy thing to admit. But, in an effort to support my friends and maybe push myself out of my comfort zone I present to you a few Things I'm Afraid to Tell You.

1. I am surprisingly sensitive about my... handedness. I say 'surprisingly' because I put in a lot of effort to appear comfortable in my own skin with my experiences/adventures, and with how I've come to fit into my surroundings seemingly seamlessly (say that 5 times fast). I hear from friends that they 'don't even think about it' and that it's a non-issue, like someone having curly hair or being left-handed (news flash: I'm most certainly not left-handed). So while all of this is great, I wish some days that it was an issue. I wish my friends would ask me questions about it. Some days I wish I had a friend that was in a similar circumstance so I could talk to them but other days I'm happy that I'm the only one so that I don't have to share the spotlight. (I realize that if you're new here you don't know that I only have one hand so... I only have one hand, FACT)

2. I have no confidence in... anything. I believe that I am average at many things and do not excel at anything. I always feel like I can do better and reach higher and that when people tell me I've done a good job it's because they don't want to hurt my feelings.

3. I am torn about having children. My whole life I have wanted a family and recently I have started telling people that being a mom is my ultimate career path. That being said I'm terrified of having children for a few reasons. One being that I really feel like we aren't doing a sliver of what is required to get our planet back on track and to have it last us more than 50 years. What kind of a world am I bringing a child into? Will they even be able to live a full life? Another reason being post-partum depression. For some reason I'm convinced that I will suffer through it. That I won't bond with my baby, that I'll go wackadoo and that (heaven forbid) I cause someone harm. And lastly, my mom had two giant babies (11+ pounds and 9+ pounds) and just the idea of going through that makes me want to cross my legs and waddle around like that forever. RB wants them and I do want them right now but these reasons are causing me much hesitation and also making me feel like it would be selfish.

4. Despite not having confidence I want to be the best at everything. This is probably why I don't have any confidence - there will always be someone better. It's terrible to think that I want to be better than my friends. What an awful thing to want! And yet I find myself wanting to have the most unique wardrobe, the cleanest house, the best food, and the best life. This makes me sad because I really love my friends and am constantly amazed and proud of what they are doing and achieving. And yet I find myself thinking I can do better. What a snob I am. I'm trying to be more thankful for what I have and to not compare myself to others. It's a work in progress.

I have some other friends who have joined me today, please check them out and lend your support!
Jill at Terra SavvyJen at Taking Off the Mask | Kate at Modern Home Modern Baby | Laura at My So Called Sensory Life | Monique at Razing Mayhem | Caroline at Salsa Pie | Leslie at Life In Every Limb | Tammie at Tam.Me | Melanie at Inward Facing Girl | Amy at Old Sweet Song | Michelle at Early Mama | Jen at Jen Epting | Leslie at Lights and Letters | Sarah at SAWK Photography

13 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing all of this, Erica! I have questions and thoughts, so will e-mail you separately soon. I'm glad we'll be in NIFW together, too!

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  2. Your list is wonderful and you are too! I'm so glad you shared. If you decide to have children, I can tell you will be a wonderful parent.

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  3. What I'm finding about these lists is how much we all have in common in the way that we feel. I mean, we have different factors in our lives, but our fears are all generally the same.

    I loved your list. And I agree with Laura--if you ever decide to have children, I bet you will be great!

    :)

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  4. Thanks for your honest sharing here. Just think of the wonderful environmentally-sensitive kids you will be raising if you decide to have them! I have had several enormous babies and while it is very normal to be afraid it is worth it, I promise you.

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  5. Erica - thanks so much for posting with me today! I remember when we met in person I totally asked you about your arm, and what had happened and even though I risked offending you with my stupid questions I remember that you were grateful that I asked. I think sometimes people don't know what to say, or they want to make sure you know it doesn't matter, so they don't draw attention to it. It's funny how when we try to be sensative we are sometimes doing the opposite of what people want us to.

    If you don't have confidence in anything at all, please at least have confidence in your cupcakes. Those are the bomb my friend, and I think you know it.

    You don't have to suffer though PPD these days. If you are aware of it, and you start to feel awful, you will get it taken care of asap. Medication, therapy and awareness go a long way. Also - my midwife always told me normal healthy pregnancies will grow the babies that they are able to give birth to and no bigger than we can handle. Try to let go of the fears (hypno-birthing can help with that) having kids is an amazing journey and probably the most selfless thing you can do in life.

    xoxo

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  6. Leslie is right - you don't have to suffer through PPD. If you can be aware of it, you can get help with it. Also, having not met you in person, OR eaten your cupcakes, if Leslie says they are the bomb then I believe her!

    I, too, yearn to be the best but have to settle for good enough sometimes. I can totally relate to being an inner snob even if I absolutely love the person I am unintentionally snobbing. I think it's because I can be a very harsh critic of myself...do you do that, too?

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  7. I haven't even eaten the cupcakes, but they LOOK delicious, and isn't that half the fun of a cupcake?

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  8. Erica,

    I SO wanted to ask about your arm when we met at Camp Mighty!! DAMN! Sorry and I will talk to you about it the next time we chat!

    Also, know that I like you - A LOT!! I had such a great time at Jen & Chris' and was so grateful to get to know you better.

    On that note, knowing you as little as I do, you would totally make a wonderful mom!

    I myself suffered through two out of three pregnancies with PPD. I had to be medicated for the first one and then again with Claire. I was in total denial but knew better the second time.

    I'm an e-mail away or a phone call for support. It's important to recognize when you need help and just ask. It's hard I know this first hand, but I'll be watching you girl!!

    xoxo

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  9. Hi Erica!

    Thanks for writing and sharing your personal feelings! I can connect with you about lacking confidence and wanting to be the best in everything I do. I was extremely shy for many years and am still battling with my confidence levels. Every day is a new day, and every day you will grow stronger. I already think you're pretty amazing, so keep your head up!

    If you decide to have children, go for it. That fact that you have already put this much thought into having them shows that you are a thoughtful and caring individual. I am also on the small side (5'2) and gave birth to a 9lb baby without any drugs or tearing. Don't underestimate the power of the female human body!

    I am also very curious to hear the story regarding your hand. I was born with a birth defect and have struggled emotionally with being different. I can relate to your situation somewhat. It must be very difficult to live with one hand. I commend you because it doesn't sound like it's stopping you from much!

    Looking forward to checking out your blog in the future!

    ~Jen

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  10. Anonymous4:08 PM

    Erica. Things i'm not afraid to tell you:

    1) you're normal, the best kind of normal ever. you care, you think, you act and I consider myself lucky to call you a friend. More people like you = better world.
    2)you do more with your arm and a half than i do with both of mine. sometimes i feel guilty about that. The only thing that you can't do is juggle chainsaws. Please take my word for that.
    3) There are people on this planet that should not have children. You are NOT one of them. You will be an amazing parent. It's important to fear having a kid, that's one of the things that will make you good at it.

    4)I don't want to disappoint you, but you'll likely not be the best at everything, but you have proven (repeatedly)that you can be damn good at a LOT of things. Who else on the PLANET can give an entertaining and engaging talk on, of all things, ROUNDABOUTS!!! no one cared about them until you spoke!
    5) the cupcakes are great.

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  11. Erica, I went through PPD, and while it completely SUCKED, you can get help if it happens to you. Thanks for being so brave and sharing these things with us. xo

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  12. Dear Queen - You are wonderful!
    I know exactly what you mean about having children!
    I almost put that down, but I wasn't ready yet, haha!

    And you are so confident, even if you don't feel it. You ooze it! - And ooze in the best way possible, not in a gross way, because ooze is a kind of gross word.

    xoxox.

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  13. Thanks for sharing! I love reading these lists from folks and feel privileged to be part of that group

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